Coming to the close of another day. It was a sweltering one, but we don’t get too many cool ones. Unless its raining.
I was thinking about miracles. So many books written on the subject. How you can make them happen and whatnot. There is a power in positive thinking and one-mindedness and I do know that it leads to amazing occurrences. I can say this because I am living proof that it works.
Running back through the dusty mind space. I can pick out so many times when I was at the end of my tether, where one more step was a sure plunge into the abyss and something incredible happens and saves my ass. Most of it has to do with surrender and just getting out of the way. Letting the Divine work. If you want the angels to come in then you have to make room for them to spread their wings.
When I was about ten years old I was sitting with my grandfather Thompson in the screened in sitting area he had built in his back yard. Next to it was a huge old tree that my father used to climb when he was young. It was springtime in Ohio and a pretty good nor’easter cropped up. High winds and lightening with a heavy dropped, sideways rain.
The tree next to us was huge, with thick branches stemming from the trunk. So thick in fact, if one were to fall, it could easily kill a man. I don’t know how old the tree was, but it had been around long enough to get that way.
The wind became more intense, the rain sounded like a tympani orchestra on the roof. Lightening flashed everywhere in our eyesight. I have to admit I was a bit scared. Finally I said to grandfather,
“What if the lightening strikes that tree and those big branches fall on us?”
He shrugged and raised his eyebrows.
“If you don’t think about it, then it won’t happen.” He said. “Everything that happens, you think about it first. Even if you don’t know you are thinking about it.”
I was blown away.
He died the following year at a very young age. And to be honest we weren’t very close, but that memory has stuck with me and probably what got me started in the direction I went.
Miracles. I can look back and realize how when I take it all apart and break it down I can see where the tiniest nudge, the smallest whisper in the mind was my miracle. That subtle shirft of consciousness that can occur when you stop focusing on the injustice and start an awareness for a solution to appear. If you cannot get to the point where you can believe there is a possible positive outcome, Its just better to not think about it at all. Easier said than done.
I am an alcoholic. I Haven’t had a drink in coming up on five years. That’s a long time considering its the longest I have ever gone since I started drinking. Some people ask me how I quit drinking. I didn’t quit. I just put it aside one day at a time. But I think what anyone would want to know is what happened. Well I have a brief story about how I finally got started putting it aside.
It was a cold, February day in Akron, Ohio. I had been on a pretty good bender for about two weeks. Morning until night. Spent every dime of my rent money and I hadn’t showered in I don’t know how long. All I did was wake up, sit and drink until I passed out then get up and do it again. Days rolled by in a blur. The only time I went outside was to get more vodka. And I drank the cheap stuff too, straight from the bottle. It was horrible.
Around 2 p.m. I drank my last drop. I was out of cash and smokes too. Panic set in. What was I going to do? I got out the phone book and called the little corner store and asked them if I could run a tab. I don’t remember exactly what I told them, but I suppose I was pretty convincing because he agreed.
I went down and got two bottles of vodka, a pack of smokes and a bag of chips.
By 4:30 both bottles were gone and I didn’t even feel it.
I started the walk back to that small store. To add a couple more bottles. But then what? what will I do when those are gone. I sat down on the bus stop bench. I knew I stank. My breath was toxic, my clothes were filthy. I was sick. I prayed.
I didn’t ask for anything. I just talked. I said I can’t do this anymore. I need help. I am going to die and honestly I do no know what to do. I lost my job, i had one week left until my eviction was final and I had about forty-five cents to my name. That was a wednesday.
I turned around and went back to my apartment and I called AA. Two guys showed up, talked to me and took me to my first real meeting. I say “real” meeting because it was the first time I wanted to be there.
What made me turn around then when I could never do it before? Where did that strength come from?
But wait, theres more….
The next day was a foggy mess. My head pounded and I was sick. But I had a mess to deal with. Thats where the real miracles happened. I surrendered. Got out of the way. I said to God I don’t know what to do…In two days I will be homeless. Something told me to call someone..and I did.
Two hours later I had a job starting monday, I had a place to live in an AA sober house and a guy I knew paid me back some cash I had lent him.
Step by step every moment had been a building block for the next. When I was in a foul mood and saw everything as impossible, then it was. But when I got out of that, when I gathered up faith, then I saw miracles happen.
Next post will be another instance where the miracle happened that involves me living on the streets in a third world country. No job, no food and a wife and baby boy.